You’re reading Fran Magazine, the foremost publication of representing the cross-section of Cannes tweets and “not posting but knowing what the posts say.” Just kidding: this is a pop culture newsletter where I, Fran Hoepfner, mostly just goof off. This issue is for free subscribers, but that doesn’t mean you should take it less seriously!!!
The Frannes Film Festival
Every year for the past few years, I have said to myself in December or January, “I should go to Cannes this year.” As a freelance film critic, it is not out of the realm of possibility, other than the fact that I would not have the luxury of having my work pay for my lodgings and travel to one of the most beautiful and expensive parts of the European continent. In early 2020, when I thought I would be traveling to Italy in late May, it seemed a likely possibility I could tie that into a trip to Cannes. Alas, the world had other plans. Since then, I approach each impending Cannes Film Festival with a “Should I…?” but because I am a Substack writer who pops off about culture and not one who spews transphobic nonsense, my freelance income has yet to provide me with justification for a trip that would cost at least two months’ worth of rent.
I don’t have a trip to France, but I have one thing better: a groupchat full of past Fran Magazine contributors with whom I can talk about the Cannes Film Festival and other celeb news “du jour” (French). These Frannes Film festival jurors include:
Ben and Matt are also on Letterboxd
Ben also writes movies, regrettably and Matt is the president of “Mean Matt May” and “Mean Matt Monday”
Together, the four of us discussesd the stories out of Cannes and anything else that made the jump from “fake discourse to group chat” pipeline. Please enjoy our takes on this year’s competition!
Swift Horses starring Jacob Elordi and Daisy Edgar-Jones
FH: Every time I type his name I think I’ve spelled it wrong. “Elordi”... what’s going on with that.
CO: The way “Elordi” looks and is spelled mirrors the shape and visual effect of Jacob Elordi’s torso: long, short, wrong.
BE: It seems that casting directors should be striking as well since AI has already taken over the field.
FH: Stream Apple TV+ Slow Horses.
ME: I agree that Slow Horses is great, the best of AppleTV’s elevated CBS parent-core ass television lineup. My main comment about On Swift Horses is that I keep confusing Daisy Edgar-Jones and Felicity ‘The Aeronauts’ Jones. Too many Joneses! I don’t watch Euphoria and my only frame of reference for “Jacob Elordi” is when Clare makes fun of him.
Emma Watson’s brother’s gin brand
FH: Months ago I wrote for Gawker about how I was the only person with the power to saving Emma Watson’s career, but doing a cover story talking about how much she hates acting, is going to grad school, and made a Squarespace for her brother’s artisanal gin might be a bridge too far even for me.
CO: Emma Watson’s career is now modeled after Jax Taylor’s Instagram bio:
FH: I’m not a big gin drinker — I think it’s disgusting — but it seems sort of troublesome that the gin is yellow?
CO: Hufflepuff gin 😂😂😂😂
BE: OMG I love gin, Fran!! One of my favorite spirits. When I drink it I like to imagine I’m an 11-year-old Welsh boy in the 1890s after a hard day in the mines.
ME: I love a gin fizz.
FH: I’m hoping to go the rest of my life without having it again.
CO: Ben, I think that’s especially unique. But I also like gin. If you don’t drink gin, what do you drink? Fireball? #FranLikesFireball
ME: #FranLikesFireball
FH: Vodka or tequila, if spirits… But I am a committed vodka martini drinker.
BE: Don’t get me started on the concept of a “vodka” martini. Fake.
ME: Vodka martinis are fake, I agree. The only time they were real was when Cate Blanchett ordered a Stoli martini with a twist of lemon in Blue Jasmine.
FH: I’ll just be sending you all bottles of Renais Gin for your birthdays…
BE: Yay!
That one Killers of the Flower Moon still we all saw for like a year
BE: A rich text, almost a Renoir. But like any painting, it gets stale.
CO: Literally don’t cancel me for this, but the way Leo looks in that still reminds me of this:
ME: I never saw Magic in the Moonlight but this poster has haunted me since its release. You will believe moonlight contains magic! Anyway, back to Marty. There is a now a Flower Moon trailer and several other stills, though I fear the movie can’t escape the initial production still.
BE: I loooove Magic in the Moonlight (derogatory; camp). It is so stupid. Anyway, on the still — find you a woman who looks at you etc.
FH: I have grown to love canonical film stills, like that horrible one of Frances McDormand smiling at nothing from Nomadland, and also Tár in her jogging outfit in the woods. There’s a crazy shorthand that’s developed from seeing this, oft-mocked, sure, but I do love that for better and worse, they become the emoji of the movie.
CO: I was about to call The Whale one a movie emoji. But the clip of the titular whale flying up in the air has since become more famous than the emoji still. That doesn’t happen often. Speaking of:
Brie Larson-as-Cannes-jury-member
CO:
FH:
ME: Brie’s social media presence the last year or so haunts me in the same way that the Magic in the Moonlight poster does. That being said, I need to know what she thinks of the new Catherine Breillat film, which I fully expect jury president Ruben Östlund to award the Palme (or else!). I don’t think Brie knows who Todd Haynes is, but she loves Natalie Portman!
BE: Everyone knows that Brie Larson is one of my mortal enemies, but I cannot deny that her social media presence is absolutely singular. Her Instagram is the work of a mind that has nothing to offer, but feels it can offer the world. It is kind of breathtaking.
Olivia Wilde wearing a wedding dress to a gay wedding
ME: I didn’t see Don’t Worry Darling but from what I’ve heard it’s about Main Character Syndrome (don’t correct me if I’m wrong), which makes it personal filmmaking of the highest order! Do we know whose gay wedding it was?
FH: Colton Underwood’s…
BE: OMG not Colton Underwood!
ME: Okay I had to Google him… He’s the gay Bachelor! I think Olivia wearing a wedding dress to the gay Bachelor’s wedding is terrific. Least annoying thing she’s done in a while!
BE: Oh, wait, I was thinking of Colton Haynes. That would have been funnier, kind of, to me, because I have context for him. Anyway, as the head of a major Hollywood studio, I know a lot about Olivia that I cannot share. But she’s worse in private, I’ll just say that much. If she thinks wearing a wedding dress to a gay wedding is fit for public consumption, just imagine what goes on when the cameras aren’t rolling…
ME: #OliviaWildeIsWorseInPrivate
CO: I plead the 5th #womensupportingwomen #pride.
Young Pacino vs. Young De Niro
BE: This is a really tough debate but ultimately one I think we need to have. They both have these big doe eyes and sensitive souls. How to choose?
FH: It’s close, for sure, but the fact that Pacino is shorter gives him an edge, somehow.
ME: I agree, Pacino.
CO: De Niro turned out to be a less-fun old man than Pacino, so I’ll go with Pacino. But I’ll give the debate as a whole 2 stars — the more important one going around is Robert Redford vs. Paul Newman.
FH: Newman.
ME: Newman in a landslide.
CO: I agree. Much more LGBT.
BE: Yeah, no contest on Redford v. Newman. Newman definitely at least considered exploring James Dean’s body, if they didn’t follow through.
CO: Target’s Pride collection should have t-shirts that say “Team Pacino” and “Team Newman.”
ME: A ‘Team Pacino’ shirt and a leather jacket would be my gay bar uniform for Fall 2023.
BE: For me, Pacino v. De Niro comes down to the fact that Pacino younger looks more like a dirtbag (complimentary). De Niro is too put together. You could take Young De Niro home to your parents, and then you’d go meet Young Pacino after.
CO: Totally, De Niro’s too smart/clean/Hollywood…
BE: Yeah, like his father was an artist and gay, he has an unfair advantage that actually works to his disadvantage.
ME: I’d bring Young Pacino home to meet my parents in one of his little Godfather outfits 🙂
BE: OMG CUte!
Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom
BE: I’m the only non-gamer on this jury. I played Ocarina of Time when I was a child. I think I’m the eldest here. Idk why I find that relevant. Anyway I don’t play video games at all anymore but my youngest nephew Grant is so lit on Zelda.
CO: I am not a “gamer” either, unless having 716 hours on Sims 4 makes me a gamer (I invented a way to make a trellis in the Sims, if anyone cares). My childhood Zelda was Wind Waker — I am the youngest on this jury — and I never finished Breath of the Wild. Whenever I pick it up again, I make my boyfriend do the “hard” parts. My point is I don’t know/care about Tears of the Kingdom, unless it makes Fran and Matt happy, in which case I’ll give it 5 stars.
FH: I love Wind Waker, which, despite our age difference, I will also call my “childhood Zelda.”
ME: As a person of “Playing Tears of the Kingdom for a few hours a day” experience, I am thrilled to report that the game is so far a masterpiece. The new abilities and building interface make exploration endlessly fun. You can also build a wooden dick flamethrower! Yay 😀
FH: At the time of writing, I am waiting for my copy of Tears of the Kingdom to arrive in the mail. At the time of posting, I am putting off my work to play Tears of the Kingdom at 8am.
“Shiv is a metaphor”
BE: Need more on this… I am not a redditor, though. Neither a redditor nor a gamer be imo.
ME: No idea what this means. Stream ‘Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd.’
FH: I guess I’m wondering… what’s more annoying, the people who watch Succession wrong or the people who tweet about people who watch Succession wrong. With one episode left to air after this goes up, your opinion will be set in stone.
ME: I think everyone who watches Succession is annoying, myself included. But I at least understand the show.
CO: All Succession opinions are valid — especially mine, pay me to know it — if you understand the show. That said, here’s an opinion for free: Shiv is a metaphor for acting badly! 🤣
ME: My favorite Succession opinion about this season is that Shiv is “womanhood coded.” That is so true if you think about it.
BE: In season one, I declared Shiv to be the most interesting character on TV in years. I don’t think that’s true anymore, but she was very interesting then, before she married Tom. All of the characters kind of became more entrenched in “type” after the first season. I still love Succession don’t get me wrong, but I think that is true.
CO: The show has oscillated between comedic and operatic, which is fine, but it doesn’t know what it is all of the time, which requires types. I’ll tell you my “type” — Matthew Macfadyen!
FH: Love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CO: He’s really tall and was just in Italy with his wife. Saw it on Instagram!
FH: Yay! Anyway, there was a really sharp decline after Season 2. Succession works best when it is like Curb. I think the Shiv of Seasons 3 and 4 is entirely different from the one prior. I’m still watching, though.
BE: Fran I must agree. I still think it’s the best show currently on TV, perhaps barring Fran’s favorite program Barry.
ME: As someone who watches 2-3 new shows a year, I agree!
Jacob Tremblay is Flounder
CO: And Jacob Elordi is Swift Horse! We rdgaf.
BE: I agree. The Flounder character poster looks like a meme from 2016. The fuck are we doing?
ME: Brie Larson is at Cannes! Jacob Tremblay is Flounder! But what I’d like to know is… what is Room’s Joan Allen up to??
FH: Seems like she’s going to be in a miniseries called “Zero Day” with the aforementioned Robert De Niro. Most of what I know about her is that she’s from Illinois. #JoanAllenIsFromIllinois
ME: #JoanAllenIsFromIllinois. I think Ang Lee should make Ice Storm 2 with the latest cutting edge filmmaking technology that he is so fond of.
CO: Ang Lee should de-age Flounder so that he sounds like Jacob Tremblay did in Room.
ME: Yes!!! Also Joan Allen should have played someone in Little Mermaid.
CO: Joan Allen as Scuttle, Joan Cusack as Ursula. You will believe Joan Cusack is Ursula.
BE: Joan Allen’s one woman show as the entire cast of The Little Mermaid.
ME: This is sounding so much better than what is about to be released in a few weeks.
CO: #TheLittleJoan
BE: #TheLittleJoan
The weekend in July where Barbie and Oppenheimer come out
ME: I will be seeing both pictures with a medium buttered popcorn and small Coke Zero, as is my right.
FH: I will be at Oppenheimer, then Oppenheimer again, and then the latest possible showing of Barbie the following week to avoid children.
CO: Why a small Coke Zero? Is your local movie theatre so barren it does not contain a Freestyle machine?
FH: Matt and I both go to Regal, which don’t have Freestyle machines…
BE: I refuse to go to AMCs unless it’s only playing there and I can’t wait (this happened with Tár, because LA has no good theaters anymore). I’ll go to the TCL Chinese Theatre or the Regal LA Live. Is TCL a national chain? No idea. But I have seen many pictures in the IMAX there, for instance, The Power of the Dog starring Kirsten Dunst and others.
CO: I don’t know about “Regal” I live in the Midwest like a real American. I think if Margot Robbie got directly impacted by a nuclear bomb, though, it would have no effect on her already empty mind.
FH: There are two Regals in Chicago, btw… “Middle America” ass over here…
CO: Unless I’m being paid to be on The Bear I’m not going to Bucktown (I’m guessing where the Regals are/ where The Bear takes place).
ME: Yeah I do go to Regal… their small drinks are actually really big. And I just remembered they do Pepsi… life is full of disappointments.
FH: Sometimes I sneak a Coke into Regal…
ME: That’s a great idea… I do love a fountain pop though. But AMC’s popcorn makes me sick, and popcorn quality is way more important to me than Coke or Pepsi. I am willing to sacrifice Coke Zero for the cinema.
CO: OMG AMC’s popcorn makes me sick too we should do a class action.
ME: Sign me up! #SeeYouInCourtAMC #PoisonPopcorn
BE: I think Oppenheimer looks good, but the thing about Christopher Nolan movies, is they always look good. And then you watch them and you know what they are not. Except Interstellar, which is great, and features the rare good Jessica Chastain performance. Why is Cillian Murphy in Oppenheimer though? Is he the titular Oppenheimer? I don’t even know. But I don’t give a fuck about him. I cannot even perceive him, tbh.
CO: J. Robert Oppenheimer or Cillian Murphy?
BE: I meant Murphy but now that you ask, both!
Lance from The Other Two
BE: re: the actor not the character: will emerge as the De Niro of our generation. re: the character: incredible. When you just casually see a text on Brooke’s phone like, “it was a really hard day, a baby died,” I was losing it. And that’s just imagining him typing that out. It’s just a text message. That’s how imprinted his performance is.
FH: It’s a great moment. I really think it’s a genius performance.
CO: Is The Other Two the show written by that guy who made the cancer movie with Molly Shannon? If it is, isn’t the co-creator the former SNL woman who also used to work at CollegeHumor? I used to listen to her husband’s podcast, who is now a luxury lamp salesman, endorsed by one of our generation’s greatest freaks, Anna Marie Tendler. But that’s all I know about The Other Two. Also I watched half of the cancer movie on my 2012 Macbook while sitting at a desk in a public library. Questions?
ME: I watched the Molly Shannon cancer movie with my mom! I enjoy The Other Two but haven’t started the new season. I think Lance is hot.
BE: Lance continues to be hot this season, FYI. And sweet, but that’s less important. I hear the season gets dark at the end, I hope Lance doesn’t die…
WINNERS
CO: Most topical news does not please me, so I’m voting for myself to win the Palme d’Frannes.
BE: I’m on a plane! Unfortunately it is too hard to vote from plane. Natalie Portman Is A Robot for the Palme d’Frannes and Lily Gladstone for the yay! Award.
FH: I’d like to nominate Matt for “Un Certain Regard,” which I think is French for “Mean Matt May.”
ME: Omg, I accept 😀 I would also give Clare the Palme d’Frannes and Lily Gladstone the ‘yay!’ Award. I’d now like to announce a special #QueensForMarty Jury Prize to Killers of the Flower Moon premiere attendees Cate Blanchett, Rossy de Palma, Kirsten Dunst, and Isabelle Huppert.
CO: Thank you, CFO (Chief Fun Officer).
but the Regal near Bucktown is only theater in city where I can get thrashed around in 4DX
You’re at the festival? The FILM festival?