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Things I’m not buying but maybe you want to buy them
It is my greatest fear that my beloved Fran Magazine subscribers believe that I take their well-earned money and use it to buy stuff I don’t need. Well, first, that would be my business only. Also, it would be the New School’s money I use to buy stuff I don’t need. Third, I don’t often buy stuff I don’t need. Here is a list of somewhat decadent objects I’m currently not buying:
Presley Oldham Super Moon necklace in gold
I currently have it in my head that I want a new gold necklace to go with the chain I usually wear and have worn for about four years now. I have a gold-plated necklace from Madewell that I bought on deep discount, but it is only a matter of time until that starts to fade. I have a fondness for pearls that’s hard to place, but I always prefer when they are flat or misshapen rather than little bulbs. I learned about this brand through (shut up) Ella Emhoff’s Instagram and then later saw (shut up!!!) Phoebe Bridgers wearing one of their necklaces. Phil said, “Show me a serious person wearing this jewelry,” and I’ve yet to find one.
Everwood Friends Large Gem Block Collection with Tray
Here is something really confusing: I got a sponsored Instagram post for this West Elm children’s toy. These are blocks, presumably, for a child. The description on the West Elm page says this will encourage motor skills. I believe them. Why this wound up suggested to me is beyond me: I am famously childless to a fault. But despite the fact that this is a child’s toy, I have to admit I am intrigued by whatever the hell is going on here. I think I would have a great time with whatever this is, but it is also $150 and a total joke of an object.
Lindsey either has this or knows someone who has it, and then I became fixated on the idea of having it also. This is not even expensive. It’s just that we already have two functioning ice trays and don’t need more.
Loyal Sunday Dispatch readers know that I am in the market for a backpack. Of all the research I’ve done, Topo Designs is probably my preferred brand though I could wind up doing something insane and random and getting a Fjällräven like someone who wants their students to make fun of them (wouldn’t be the first time). Sooner or later I am going to need a backpack before carrying a tote around New York City does irreparable damage to my shoulder, but I am in no rush to buy mostly because I don’t like any of these color options (though the green is best).
Recently saw a picture of Ella (not Emhoff, lol — Kemp) wearing this and thought it was equally chic and flattering (this could simply be that Ella is both chic and lovely, though). Not that expensive, but I already have dresses more or less in this shape in other colors that I wear often enough not to need another one.
Recent discourses
Lizzo
Fake discourse about a real thing (this happens all the time). People forget that celebrities are bosses.
Ariana Grande/Spongebob
Not discourse, just something hilarious. Objectively funny, though sad, I suppose, that there is now a child involved, but sorry — just ultimately very silly, and also funny. I was tormented by musical theater people in high school — where do you expect me to land on this one? Let Fran Magazine go on the record in 2023 as a Wicked hater.
WGA/SAG strike
Pro.
Going to the movies alone
Fake discourse, but normal.
Cellphones during movies
I have to admit that I am often not fazed by the odd cellphone during a movie, and I previously would have proudly stated this, though I have now been to enough screenings even in the last two weeks where I feel as though this behavior has gotten worse. Consider: the person taking photos of the movie screen at Damage, or consider: the endless pinging text alerts during Cache. It would be one thing — I guess — if it was just the odd text. I don’t like this, but it doesn’t get to me if it is merely a visual trigger, the odd glow. The sounds, the ringtones, the talking on the phone — I can’t remember now what I was seeing where the guy picked up right towards the end and said, “I’m heading out soon.” Someone lit a cigarette in the theater during Bullet Train, a movie so insulting I’ll let it slide. I’m more bothered by the incessant talking and laughing and doing anything but watching a movie. I was tempted, like many, to frame this as a response to boredom, but I think it’s something more insidious which is just an overwhelming lack of self-consciousness. The rise of the not really the self-care industry but the relentless self-respect industry that justifies any kind of behavior at any time as an exercise of free will. I imagine Fran Magazine readers have good behavior out in public, as this is, first and foremost, an etiquette publication.
New York Film Festival Main Slate lineup
Smash.
Notable encounters with varmint and bugs in my homes, ranked from best to worst
Apartment spider who lived in window sill back in Chicago — a true friend.
Dead roach found on carpet of old Brooklyn apartment.
Truly massive house centipede near ceiling a month or so ago that hung around in place for one night and then we never saw it again.
Dead mouse caught in trap around 1am in old Jersey City apartment that Spencer came over to help deal with.
The house centipedes that I kept finding on my bar of soap in aforementioned Chicago apartment that led me to switch over to body wash for the next five years.
Okay, not in my home: rat that almost ran over my food outside front door in current apartment.
Last night when a gigantic roach crawled all over my prescription medications and various supplements before flying at my head and then disappearing (at time of writing I have not gone back into the kitchen).
House centipede that fell on my head in high school.
Followed by the house centipede that fell into my pile of clean laundry the same night the house centipede fell onto my head in high school.
Dead mouse caught in trap around 1am in old Jersey City apartment that Spencer was either not home or asleep to deal with so I had to deal with it myself.
When I opened a box of paperclips at [REDACTED PLACE OF MINIMUM WAGE EMPLOYMENT] and a roach crawled out.
William Friedkin tributes
NYC celeb (your mileage may vary on this term) sightings (not at Q&A, show involving them, or whatever — I mean out on the street, on the subway, or as audience member somewhere unexpected)
Ideal Jeni’s combos summer 2023
I can’t really endorse this company’s wackadoo owner, but that’s true of about one hundred companies.
Darkest chocolate and lemon bar
Someone can tell me otherwise, but it seems as though they are not doing lemon buttermilk yogurt this summer? Sad! That — or any buttermilk frozen yogurt — is the ideal combo with darkest chocolate.
Strawberry buttermilk (not a yogurt) and salty caramel
Intellectual.
Brambleberry crisp and cold brew with coconut cream
Tastes like the kind of breakfast you want to eat on your birthday.
All of the Jeni’s dairy free flavors (as cold brew with coconut cream is) are good and taste good together.
Ideal Morgensterns combos summer 2023
Strawberry & matcha and yuzu milk tea
TikTok beverage
Raspberry black sesame and guava cheesecake
Ideal combo of tart/mellow
Banana brulee and Vietnamese coffee
The other kind of breakfast you might want to eat on your birthday.
MAJOR UPDATE IN RESPONSE TO POLL: I found the roach & it is dead
Fran check out NST Studio for more weird pearl jewelry (and the best fish earrings of all time)
Also when I was a struggling intern in DC I kept a can of raid next to my bed and every morning sprayed path to the bathroom and I can’t believe I didn’t die of raid inhalation, disgust or genuine despair