Fran Magazine: Issue #114

First edition of Fran's Crazy Life with Harris Mayersohn

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I’m back from residency!

But also something crazy happened… so I am turning the reins over to my friend Harris Mayersohn for an in-depth convo of what you guys have missed while I’ve been pre-scheduling all the fantastic guest posts over the past few weeks.

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This marks the first edition of the new (and hopefully infrequent) Fran Magazine segment: Fran’s Crazy Life with Harris Mayersohn. The idea being whenever something crazy happens to Fran, I’ll (Harris Mayersohn) interview her (Fran Hoepfner) about it (Crazy Thing). 

Today’s topic: Fran’s Illness

Hi Fran. I’d love to start by asking the question on everyone’s mind: What the hell is going on with your Crazy Life right now?

Well, on Monday, July 1st, I was diagnosed with mononucleosis, or as it’s most commonly known, mono.

life rocks, etc.

That’s Fran’s Crazy Life! Mono — some say that’s the kissing disease, right? Passed through saliva?

Yes.

Has me wondering, did you get mono from Hawk Tuah girl?

No — given my limited access to the internet while in the Adirondacks, I resent that I know enough of who this is and her claim to spitting that I can refute this.

There’s a “Damn, Daniel”-esque quality to “Hawk Tuah” girl that I’m legitimately enjoying. Plus, it’s funny she hung out with Shaq a day after going viral. Which brings me back to the topic at hand: How long do you think this mono will be staying around?

Most people I know who have had it say it lasts between one and three months, which is to say if you thought you’d be seeing me in July, well, that’s probably not going to happen. I’d like to think that given my commitment to “chilling” and “not doing a ton of recreational drinking,” I’ll be able to beat it sooner than later, but everything I’ve read warns against trying to fight through it. You gotta just relinquish your life to the mono. At the time of our conversation, I’ve had it for maybe almost three weeks?

This diagnosis was kind of a best - or maybe “better” - case scenario, right? We talked (off-record) in the run up to your medical discovery and there was a lot of uncertainty about what was going on.

Not to, like, violate my own HIPAA or whatever, but this all started because one of the lymph nodes in my neck just got huge out of nowhere — noticeably huge, like, my neck looks misshapen. My absolute worst personality trait is that I look up medical stuff online all the time — a deeply stupid, misguided thing to do — and if you look up “huge lymph node side of neck,” the results are pretty scary. So I spent like a week and a half being like, “...the hell is going on?” But anyone I spoke to — including DOCTORS — was like, well, sometimes that just happens and so long as you’re not feverish or obviously dying, you’re probably fine.

What does obviously dying look like to you?

Sort of Victorian, I guess. Nightgown, sweating, vomiting, getting really wan (I have a moderate tan right now), hallucinations, ghosts come to warn me or welcome me to the afterlife. I think people will respect that I don’t want the Fran Magazine readership seeing my gigantic lymph node, but do you wanna confirm to the readers that you’ve seen what it looks like and that it’s noticeably huge?

I would describe it as “interesting”-sized but not huge, per se.¹² 

What does “believe women” mean to you — if anything?

Hey pal, I’m the one asking the questions here. On that note, have you watched the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders doc thing on Netflix?

I’ve had no access to streaming television or film. 

Oh yeah. Maybe we talk about “America’s Sweethearts” during the next installment of FCL. I guess I should ask about the details of where this all happened. Your illness came about in a most interesting setting. 

Yes, I was on residency in the Adirondacks, doing a kind of off-grid, communal living creative retreat for three weeks.

Not exactly off-grid if you can still doomscroll WebMD and hear about Hawk Tuah girl, eh?

Okay, so you think I should have just died.

I’m gonna go ahead and blame this combativeness on your illness. I think I speak for all paid subscribers and most readers when I say, “We’re glad you’re not dead.” How did getting mono affect your experience at the residency? 

The main way this affected my residency is that I kept showing up in the kitchen and asking people to feel my one lymph node and be like, “it is weird, right?” In the most practical sense, this all meant that I left five days early. There’s a case to be made, maybe, that this being a saliva-based transferable virus and me not doing any kissing on the residency means that maybe it would have been fine to stay, or that the damage of me cooking or splitting desserts with people was already done. Sure, yes, but not everyone there is lucky enough to work from home on Macbook on stomach in bed — there are teachers, parents, caretakers, etc. and if I can choose not to inconvenience their lives, that’s ideal. Maybe if I was only super fatigued, I would have felt differently, but by the time I was diagnosed and still now at the time of our Google Docs convo, I have a pretty severe throat infection that I was told was only going to get worse before it got better.³ If there’s been one of many big takeaways from COVID-era precautions, it’s that if you’re feeling bad, remove yourself from social situations. I hate when I’m at an event with someone who is so clearly half-functional and then you learn after that they were sick and trying to power through. Reddit is full of people like, “I have really bad mono and bleeding tonsils, but I am gonna take this ski trip with my friends anyway. Any throat lozenge recs??”⁴ Don’t do that!!! I was sad to go, of course. I met a lot of amazing people and I wish I had more time with them on the beautiful mountain where we all lived and ate and laughed.

You’re not a hypochondriac, but you’ve had some health ups-and-downs over our years knowing each other. How did people, most of whom I assume were relative strangers, feel about touching the node? 

People were certainly curious about the node, but it took several days of encouraging people to pat my neck for them to start being like, “Hmm, this is not normal,” not unlike your own reaction to the pictures. Which — no Nora Ephron but — obviously sent me on a whole thing about how other people perceive my neck. By the way, I think it’s so nice that you said I am not a hypochondriac. I am definitely a hypochondriac.

Sure, but in the way we’re (Jews) all hypochondriacs these days. Notice something off. WebMD symptoms. Assume dying but try to convince self otherwise. Bad insurance so we put off seeing a doctor a little too long. Ultimately, not as bad as it could be. Repeat every 3-4 times a year. I’m almost skeptical of anyone who isn’t living this way.

There’s a case to be made that mono is fundamentally anti-Semitic, given it’s robbed me of my voice which I use to kvetch and kvell.

I’ve been told Fran Mag focuses on all things culture and media. Given you’re gonna be out of commission for the foreseeable future, do you have any grand plans for watching and consuming media while sick?

Well, as you and I discussed before I got mono — or actually, quite possibly, when I already had mono — I have this huge David Lynch blindspot. I’ve watched Season One of Twin Peaks and Eraserhead. I have Blue Velvet and Elephant Man downloaded right now as well. Phil and I were rewatching Game of Thrones prior to my departure so we might go back to that for a bit before I do the second season of Twin Peaks but I’ll probably get that done this month as well as a few other Lynch films. I also have some ‘80s Scorseses — my most overlooked decade of his — waiting at bat for when I want a movie that is completely insane in a different way. I’m trying to keep up with the reading pace I established while on residency. I’m currently flying through Otherlands by Thomas Halliday and Beach Read by Emily Henry which I am reading for Clare’s book club, and then I have two books by friends — Four Squares by Bobby Finger and Craft: Stories I Wrote for the Devil by Ananda Lima — next up.

Also… many are saying now is the perfect time for me to play Elden Ring… 

At times I’ve thought maybe you’d just sit Lynch out entirely due to equal parts disinterest and contrarianism. I’m not sure if going all in on Lynch while deliriously ill is savvy or hack. I finally did The Return during quarantine and I so deeply regret not watching it week-by-week as it aired in 2017.

Why did you wait on The Return? To be clear, I probably won’t be, like, true-blue binging (combo too sleepy and hate actual binge-watching), but maybe one a day.

A combination of not having Showtime, not making it through Season 2 when I first watched in college and slightly writing it off as Lynch getting his post-golden age of TV bag. For me, it’s only second to Blue Velvet in his filmography. I’m so excited for you to watch. I’m coming around on the idea of it being the perfect “My Crazy Life” viewing experience. 

There’s something so particular, and dare I say special, about watching a project for the first time while sick. Outside of a theatrical experience, my most memorable viewing experiences tend to be in hotel rooms, on planes, and while dealing with extended illnesses. Do you have any particularly noteworthy “sick watch” memories? 

That’s such a good question.⁵ More often than not, I take advantage of my weakened state to watch something maybe bad that I suspect I won’t like with the hopes that I might feel more generous. I watched both The Queen’s Gambit and the first season of Stranger Things with the flu — shows I can’t in good faith defend but that I had a totally pleasant time going through. Actually, I can kind of defend The Queen’s Gambit, a show about making your ex-boyfriends unionize on your behalf. But I remember trying to watch the second season of Stranger Things in perfect health — a horrible experience. But I’ve watched lots of actually good stuff when I’ve been sick too. The first time I had COVID I watched both Oliver Stone’s JFK and The Matrix Revolutions, both of which I loved. 

JFK was a first time plane watch for me! Perfect plane watch. Not to make this all about me but I watched Peter Jackson’s Get Back when I had COVID. We’d watch one episode of that followed by one episode of Selling Sunset. Incredible pairing. Both meditations on high-strung workplace dynamics. I can’t imagine this viewing experience being quite as impactful or entertaining without the accompanying 102 degree fever and body chills.

I watched Get Back when I was last on a residency. It did cross my mind that now would be a good time to revisit it…

No, no. You have to get to The Return. I think you’ll remember it super fondly if you do it during this time in your Crazy Life. All right, we’re wrapping up here but I’m thinking we finish it out here with the signature Fran’s Crazy Life lightning round…

Okay.

What sickly character from film, TV,  literature or history do you most relate to right now? I think everyone⁶ expects you to say Reynolds Woodcock, so if that’s your answer, name another character too.

Something interesting to be unpacked from the notion that “everyone” is expecting me to say a famously bitchy character… My go-to sick character is and always will be Colin from The Secret Garden. What’s wrong with him? We’ll never know.

What’s going on with Joe Biden right now? You think it could be mono?

I think Joe Biden has terminal mono.

Donald Trump. Hawk Tuah on that thang?

Pass.

Game 5 of the 1997 NBA Finals. You think Michael Jordan actually had the flu or it was a hangover?

Pass.

Do you think Will Smith could’ve actually killed Chris Rock with that slap?

Yes.

Any advice you’d give any readers who catch adult mononucleosis?

Calling it “adult mono” — this is funny.

Best piece of classical music to play while laid up on a couch?

Felix Mendelssohn’s Symphony No. 4, “The Italian” — short, sweet, escapist.

This has undeniably been a summer of hits. Perhaps the most contenders for song of the summer that we’ve had in many years. What’s your choice?

It’s probably “Espresso,” like why make things complicated, but “Not Like Us” has been stuck in my head for the past two weeks.

Finish the blank: “Certified loverboys? Certified ______.”

Francophile — subscribe to Fran Magazine!!!

How can people best support you throughout this illness?

Fran Magazine paid subscription!!!

Is this the craziest thing that’s happened in Fran’s Crazy Life this year?

Yes, but I’d like something different crazy to happen in the back half of the year (manifesting).

Do you think this segment has been a success? Do you anticipate more FCL segments? 

I’ll let the readers decide if this is a success but I’m always happy to be talking with you, Harris. That said, I’d like for less crazy stuff to happen, both to me and in general.

And I’m always delighted to be talking with you, Fran. Sorry you’re sick. I hope this was a pleasant, dumb diversion from feeling like crap. Anything you wanna plug?

Aren’t YOU on tour with a movie that you produced this summer? Can I plug Rap World? Do you wanna plug Rap World?

I’d mostly love to plug Fran Mag. But, sure, readers can go to my Instagram to see what I’ve been working on and where they can see it. Got links there too. Honestly, though, I’d rather everyone get prayers up for your health and/or beg for more FCL segments. 

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Anyway! I’m back. Things will be a little loose around here for a while, but I’ll be around for the foreseeable. Get ready for a giant Sunday Dispatch this weekend. Have you had mono? Any big mono stories? I’m NOT asking for content-farming purposes; I just love hearing about everyone’s experiences with mono, the thing that I have!!!

1. Harris note: Upon further reflection and review of additional submitted images, the node does, in fact, look huge. 

2. Fran note: Thank you. Members of the Fran Magazine inner circle are welcome to request images of my lymph node.

3. Fran note: They were right, by the way — it is still in its “getting worse” phase.

4. Fran note: Everyone on Reddit kept telling this person not to go skiing and this poor person replied to every single person with something along the lines of, “Thanks for the advice but I actually NEED to go skiing.”

5. Harris note: After much deliberation, I decided to ignore this neg implying not all of my questions here have been excellent.

6. Harris note: Everyone is mostly just our mutual friend Wyatt.